Wow. I feel like I've been doing the right things these past two days to keep myself sane. I'm patting myself on the back. Last night at work, I had a near nervous breakdown because something I've been waiting for for a very long time, still hasn't happened. I don't need to spell out what it is. It's 2010. Isn't it obvious. In the process of meeting with someone on this subject, I missed my one and only, all time favorite spin class. I walked part of the way home and to quell imminent tears, ate a Buttercake Cupcake in a classic. Now here's the best part; instead of going home, I went to a spin class at the 59th street Crunch with Cherie. She worked me nearly as hard as Carl and was good - motivating me to have a great workout and find inner strength, whereas Carl sort of motivates (just as effectively) using fear. But her techno music was a little too loud. Nevertheless, mission accomplished. Self-coped.
Today, I had to experience disappointment once again- stretching my patience to the near limits. But, my spirits remained high in anticipation of my latest portrait photography class. I'm taking The Portrait: Fact and Fiction at ICP with Ben Gest. The class, so far, is completely inspiring and intellectually stimulating. It is exactly what I was looking for that I believe will take my portraiture to the next level. It involves reading, writing and honing in on my vision as a photographer - going beyond lighting techniques and composition. It reminds me of the sort of 300 level studio art courses I took as an undergrad, except with more direction, in an intimate setting, with a high level of discussion. I've already started seeing patterns in my own work - that I'm drawn to street photography, of women who are introspective, pretty, and colorful. But what makes them pretty? Why do I think I'm capturing a moment that reflects who they are? Do my street photos actually convey what emotions I'm feeling? All of these thought provoking issues are already floating through my mind. Can I take successful, contrived, studio portraits of my friends? Or is my vision about spotting certain people in a crowd and photographing what I deem the decisive moment? Do I use portraits of other people as a means to express myself? And if so, am I brave enough to define what I'm trying to express? While I outwardly appear to be an extrovert and extremely open and honest, I think I hide my true emotions. I feel that a big part of being an artist is laying those gut emotions and private experiences on the table. Am I brave enough to do that? I was discussing this with my sister and how I admired her for being so honest in her poetry and spoken word. Her response was that she can be really honest, but only a select few actually read her writing, whereas photographs are more immediate.